OLD ONES ARE THE BEST

You remember your childhood no matter how old you may be now so I thought I’d do a blog about all the things I remember from my childhood. No this isn’t about what I did but more about things I miss.

Do you remember the Newsagents that had machines outside where you could buy chocolate bars and Wrigleys Chewing Gum, they stick in my mind because when decimilisation was brought in there was a game my parents bought for me that helped you to get used to the new coinage. It used plastic coins and cards that you had to buy stuff from like bread etc.. and you had to give correct change. Best thing about that game was when I found out that the machine outside the Newsagents thought the plastic coins where real. I always got the coins back as well – my sister worked in the Newsagent so brought the coins back for me unknowingly aware they where mine from my game (she thought I’d enjoy having extra’s for my game LOL) I didn’t realise I was doing wrong as I was very young then!

Then there was the sweets you could buy with your pocket money – Barley Sugar sticks, half penny bubblys, mojo’s, black jacks (but I didn’t like them, I hate liquorice), Kli (kali if you are scottish) and Jubblies to name but a few. I really shouldn’t have included Jubblies here as they were just frozen juice in pyramid shaped cartons but as a kid they were just as important as sweets.

Who could forget The Humphries (Unigate commercial – “Watch out, watch out there’s a Humphrie about”). I remember school lunch time we would all go down to our local Unigate Depot pestering the staff there for Humphrie stickers. I had loads of them and would always adorn my school books with a glorious array of red and white straws!

Forgetting the sweets now – what about what you got up to whilst in high school?

The times you faked a note from your Mum to skip doing P.E. and those times when you’d skip out at lunch time to buy a seppie and a match (seppie being our slang for 1 fag) then you’d have to find a back alley to go smoke it in! Then the utter disgust when the match blew out in the wind tunnel of an alley you’d chosen – DAMN! You’d hang around for someone else to join you that had successfully lit their fag!

Then there was always the idiotic things you did – one I can remember was a foreign student asking how to work the fire extinguishers – my mate had to demonstrate! She hit the top too hard and the ruddy thing went off! Trouble with that was where the extinguisher was located – right at the side of the door to a temporary staff room (with the nozzle aimed across the doorway). Poor German teacher got it full pelt in his face! We got detention, bonus being we missed a lesson because we had to clean it all up!

The crushes you had on your teachers! I didn’t have one but my best friend did! Boy was she surprised years later when I actually worked with the bloke and told him! She was mortified! Funny thing was her children went to the school we where at and he was still there! Great on Parents Evening! She was red faced!

There is so much I could put in this blog about school but I’ll move on now.
Remember those programmes on TV that you just had to watch, Dallas, Starsky and Hutch, Dukes of Hazard and The Sweeney to name a few I watched! They where fab in their time but I’ve watched a few back since then and thought – “What the heck did we see in them!” The only one I can remember that has progressed with years and is still as good is Dr. Who.

Although I was rather disgruntled when a Dr. became a ruddy Scarecrow – with a removable head to boot!

Oh and don’t forget the wonders of Animal Magic and dear Johnny Morris – took me years to work out that animals didn’t talk! The amazing Multi-Coloured Swap Shop – how someone actually answered the phone when I rang in for a competition and how I felt elated only to be deflated by this little old woman saying I’d got the wrong number!

Now to round this blog off with the most momentous thing in my childhood that sticks in my mind. Grab the tissues because I think you may need them!

The year I was taken for the family Christmas Holiday to Butlins!

It was Christmas Eve and my sisters and I had been put to bed! I had the bottom bunk as being the youngest I didn’t get the pick! We promptly fell asleep and where woken in the morning by a tap on the window and HO! HO! HO! – I promptly shouted out “Go Away Dad!” Then looked out to see nobody! I jumped out of bed and raced next door to my Mum and Dad’s chalet. Mum answered my knock and Dad was still asleep in bed! HOW MORTIFIED WAS I! I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that even though I know he definitely doesn’t exist – OR DOES HE?

What am I?

This is a question that now springs to my mind!

Everybody comes from somewhere (as in the place of birth) but do we actually understand the geographics of our lineage? Where that lineage actually leaves us? Or to make it more comprehensible WHAT AM I?

1. My parents where both born and bred in Liverpool, so does that mean I’m a scouser?
2. I was born in Warrington, does that mean I’m Cheshire?
3. I lived in Wigan for a time and gave birth to my children there, does that mean I’m a pie eater?
4. I moved to Cornwall, does that make me Cornish?
5. In my family tree there are Irish decendants, does that mean I could be Irish?
6. I’m now living back in my county of  birth, does that mean I’m back to being Cheshire?

I just don’t understand this labelling of what we are anymore! In my opinion I am ME! It doesn’t matter where I am, where I was born, where my parents where born, where my grandparents or their parents came from. It has totally confused me!

I think I will however claim the Tag of I AM BRITISH!

Why do I want to claim this tag?

I have never lived outside of the UK and never want to. I’m proud of the heritage I was born into! There has been troubles in this fine land of ours but we have fought and overcome them. The countryside is the greenest on the planet and we don’t have to travel miles and miles to the next town as is the fact in some countries. OK we have some things that need improvement – like I wish we had the Swiss Rail over here! But if truth be known I’m damn proud to be British and I love this little island of ours!

I may not be a Scouser, a Pie Eater, Irish, Cornish or anything else but when we all get together we are all BRITISH!

FOOTNOTE:- Unless of course you don’t live in this wonderful country!

Dear John

Everyone has heard about the “dear John” letters sent to end a relationship, now read my humorous version of a “Dear John”

BE AWARE CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

 

Dear John,

 

It’s been 7 years now that we have been together and once again I feel that itch, bloody gnat bites – what have I always said about sitting outside at night! I’ve had enough of your tantrums about me leaving the loo seat down, for fuck sake don’t you understand those pesky rats can climb through anything and they love water as they live in ruddy sewers – but oh no! You don’t understand, you insist the loo seat should remain in an upright position just because you need a pee! Have you never watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at all?  Splinter gets everywhere!

 

Talking of splinters – to digress a little – I’ve never known anyone be paranoid of a little prick (but boy am I!) Hey man it’s about time you grew a pair and stood up to your responsibilities, all I asked was that you helped by removing a splinter from my finger and you passed out. Oh well at least I got a bit of peace and quiet for 10 minutes! I had to go ask my neighbour James to help remove it. Gawd what a revelation I had then. James is more of a man than you’ll ever be.  I could never say James was a little prick! Oh and his bedroom is spacious (probably because it hasn’t got all your clothes all over the floor – it just had mine)

 

Now you are getting the picture aren’t you? It’s not the ones you have in your wallet – yes I’ve seen them! Never knew you fancied The Queen so much! Like she’d look twice at you – or maybe she would just for a laugh. Talking of Queens, I’ve seen the way you drool over those tennis players. They have more balls than you too! Have to explain that when they say “LOVE” it doesn’t mean they love you – it’s a ruddy score. “DEUCE” isn’t a call for a glass of squash it ain’t spelt “JUICE”. You are just so immature for your age.

 

I heard the boys talking about you in the pub the other night. Yes those you call your friends! Well what an eye opener that was. Evidently your not the top class dart player you always told me you were. No they didn’t see me! But you’re a first class wanker and I had to pop round and agree with them! I told them what you did in bed! I don’t think they’ll be your friends anymore. The more I told them about your bedroom antics the more they threw up. I mean anyone who wanks while viewing pics of  kitchen utensils and lawn mowers really needs help. I’ve got you the number of the wankers anonymous helpline but they refused to even speak to you!

 

Anyway I’m crying now as I am ending this relationship to move in with James, not because of you but because these ruddy onions have a strong odour and I really must get them cut up for the romantic meal I’m preparing for tonight. WHAT! No not for you! Jeez you just don’t get it do you. I knew you wouldn’t because you don’t get anything. I’ve ironed your PJ’s and left them on the pillow for you to wear tonight, I’ve left instructions on how to microwave your dinner that’s in the fridge – just remember to eat it all and retire to bed. Arsenic will take effect pretty quickly.

 

Goodnight and God Bless you complete and utter wanker!

 

Dierdre

X

 

p.s. thought I’d give you one last kiss.

The Scaffold and Lily the Pink

 

Thanks goes to The New Twit for the title.

 

You’ll all be expecting me to just ramble on about the band and this most catchy and memorable song but you will all be wrong. Yes the title is famous enough but it’s not what you will witness in this blog. This is my twist using my warped mind on happenings that may or may not have occurred (you can decide for yourselves between fact and fiction!)

 

Lily the Pink as the song went eventually turned to drink and passed away – taking with her to heaven her medicinal compound. I haven’t invented any such thing but boy do I feel like turning to drink with the depression of having scaffolding up around my house for the past 5 weeks now (oh plus 3 days from the unofficial scaffolders)

 

I’ve stood on my back door step looking at the scaffolding poles thinking “Should I take up pole dancing” now these thoughts only occur to me in the evenings when I’ve had a bit to drink (okay maybe a lot!) I’ll shut my eyes and there I go twirling around on the scaffolding. Other times I think about turning into a monkey and swinging from one bit to another – Oh wait let me see now – ah yes we’ve got bananas here! Then there is that other thought – I’m a bird – I’m going to perch on the top and trill out my beautiful song (get the earplugs ready!)

 

Maybe I have invented something like medicinal compound – or rather found it in a can! I’ve decided to turn into a bird and fly away – far away as possible from this horror called scaffolding. I’ll fly up high and catch the currents let them carry me far away to somewhere warm and quiet! Oh this is bliss, the wind in my feathers and there it is – the place I’ve been looking for – tranquillity itself. Palm trees, sand, blue sea and the sound of a distant waterfall. Wait what is that I hear? NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Lily the pink she turned to drink she
Filled up with parafin inside
And dispite her medicinal compound
Sadly pickalily died

Up to heaven her soul ascended
For the church bells they did ring
She took with her medicinal compound
Hark the herald angels sing

 

Damn and blast – who the hell turned on the music. I’m back on my back door step, the scaffolding is still there and my paradise has slipped away – oh well who’s for the pub?

Me and my past life

If you are of an emotional nature please be aware before continuing to read that this could upset you! It is worth a read as it explains all about my past life in an open and honest way. This is coming straight from the heart as it could help others who may have gone through, or even going through, similar circumstances.  I don’t expect sympathy just understanding and the knowledge that I’ve come through it all and am now very happy.

I had a fabulous childhood so I am not going to talk about that part of my life now. I’m going to talk about when things started to go horribly wrong – there are some good moments included – so not all doom and gloom.

I married for the first time when I was 19 and pregnant. We didn’t have our own place to live so we moved in with my in-laws. My Mother-in-Law had some weird ideas that I wasn’t allowed to hang curtains while pregnant and definately wasn’t allowed to sunbathe in my costume (yeah it was a pregnancy costume) as it was “disgusting showing off a bump like that!” My Father-in-Law was great, he’d sit in the chair with his paper picking out horses for his bets then he’d walk to the local bookies, place his bets and make for the Labour Club.  Eventually I gave birth to a beautiful son, Stephen, and we got our first house.  Things where fine, we settled in and it was a nice family unit. We’d go out, the in-Laws would babysit and we’d more often than not sleep over at theirs when we got back. Then the worst thing ever happened, we lost our son to Cot Death (SIDS) my whole world seemed to collapse around me. My husband turned to drinking even more than he normally would do and then the beatings started. I then started drinking heavily because it didn’t hurt as much when he hit me! His Dad found out and went to town on him. He didn’t dare hit me after that.

Things improved and we had two beautiful daughters, then his Dad died! The beatings started up again. His Mum and one of his Sisters kept telling me to leave him but I thought I had nowhere to go. I lived in amongst an area where all his family where and non of mine – I felt trapped, alone and helpless. I had to carry on for the sake of my daughters. I did the unthinkable when he joined the Navy and had an affair with a work friend. Eventually the time came when I had to move into married quarters – miles and miles away from any of his or my own family. I bided my time and whilst he was away at sea I fled with the two girls and travelled, with as much stuff as I could fill my work friends car up, from Helston to Blackpool. There we remained in a caravan until we managed to find a flat. I had to laugh as the flat was only a couple of miles away from my ex’s Mothers but they never knew.

Then my work friend went back to his family, yeah I should have known it wouldn’t last. My Mum and Dad came and collected us and we lived there for the next few months. Problem was I couldn’t get my own house. We all came to a decision that I’d have to declare myself homeless. That is when I ended up in a Women’s Aid Refuge. My sister cried after she left me there. It wasn’t a nice house but it was safe. We had a rota of duties that all the women had to do every day. I hated cleaning the bathrooms but luckily for me one of the ladies decided to swap with me (after all it was her 7 kids who made all the mess in them). I was a long stayer in that hostel. Most where re-homed within a month but after 5 months I was still there. Why? Because I had two different authorities fighting over who was responsible for re-housing me.

I won my battle against which authority I wanted to re-house me and got a flat near where my sisters both lived. It wasn’t a desirable area, looking out of my kitchen window I’d see drug dealing going on from a house across from me, but it was home. A home for me and my girls where we could begin again from. I succeeded!

I have since moved, had some really good jobs, said goodbye to my little girls who grew up and left the nest (although one is now back with my grandsons until she finds herself a house – history repeating itself!) and I finally found my Prince Charming!

The thing I hope you get from this blog is that – if you never give up there is always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you just have to battle through and find it. It isn’t easy but the result is worth it at the end. Never feel alone in the world, there are people that can help and advise you through all sorts of circumstances. I’m living proof that things will and do work out.

Oh Joy! The twins are here

Firstly I would like to apologise to The New Twit for not using the suggestion you came up with yet! (it will come)

I haven’t been around as much on twitter as I normally am – WHY? Because due to a few family problems I have now found myself in the position of being a Grandparent with live in Grandsons. Poor Pete has been thrown in at the deep end – having never experienced the joys of parenthood of young children his hair has somewhat shrunk. NO WAIT – that’s because he visited the barbers the other day.

We got that dreaded phone call (the one non of us wish to take) last week. One crying daughter begging us to help! Jeez we had both been drinking due to Andy Murray playing at Wimbledon – what the fuck (yeah I did consider putting another word in then but it wouldn’t have been me) where we supposed to do! The only thing we could do was say we would sort things the next day. Although as time went on and the panic in the daughters voice we had no choice but to call the police. What did they do – turn up and throw her out with our twin Grandsons! Lots of bad language ensued! Well she found someone to put her up for the night – PHEW! Next day our other daughter arrived from Newquay (some 200+ miles away) to retrieve her belongings from the house – was great to see her but would have been better under different circumstances. With the police in attendance we got the majority of belongings loaded into 2 cars (full to capacity) whilst the dick head was still in the middle of an all night/day party!

Eventually the twins and daughter arrived via train the next day – lots of sorting out had to be done, turning the guest room into a room for 3! Luckily the two cots and single bed managed to fit into a single bedroom. Then the fun began. Two little 19 month old boys and two puppies plus me and Pete and the daughter all in one small 2 bedroom house! Yeah we did fit! Well a week in and we are now settling into a routine. I love our trips to the park until of course we have to leave and the twins scream blue murder when they get prised off the swings (they love them) The dogs love their quiet time (when we take the boys out in their pushchairs) I have never seen the dogs come in so quick when called from the garden. They see the boys in their pushchairs and come running in!

The most appealing thing about having the twins here is when they are having their food. All you hear is “More, more, more” once their mouths are empty. I’m actually starting to enjoy them being here and how they are settling in. Sunstroke – could be but I don’t think so – coz I love them – yeah I think that’s what it is!

Just hope I get the job I had an interview for today because that means I’ll get a break from them! The dogs – well Patch the eldest doesn’t seem too bothered but Cleo the youngest searches high and low for the twins as soon as they go to bed! Grandad was mean today – he put the boys in the dogs cage – it was funny because they loved it and laughed their heads off! He wasn’t being cruel – he was just being Pete! Needless to say they where stood up with their heads poking out of the top opening.

Now all my twitter friends can see why we haven’t been around as much lately – I have missed the interaction with you all and hopefully normal service will be resumed shortly. Even the twic cam didn’t work the other night – I think Pete was a bit pissed or nackered LOL leave that up to you readers to decide!

Tits whole hazel tits

Thanks goes to @MartinGAY03  for the title.

I struggled to come up with something for a blog titled such way until now that is! Funny how things turn out in life that you can actually fit a blog to that title! I’ll bet Martin didn’t expect me to fulfil it – but hey sucker I did!

My life is like a soap opera that hasn’t yet been written about. Non of you apart from my darling hubby @peterisk knows anything about my past life! It’s been sort of shoved into the file named “NOT APPLICABLE ANYMORE” well sorry but it’s being dusted off and brought out of archives!

People talk about things coming around full circle – I never believed it until today! Yeah it’s true! They do come full circle and sorry for those reading this that think theirs have come to an end – I’m gonna upset you with this blog!

I married the wrong person the first time around, he was great and attentive and couldn’t do enough for me whilst we where courting. We married  when we found out I was pregnant but that was planned because he said “I can’t ask your Dad he scares me!” so a reason was made – yeah I was naive! I got told off by my Dad because I made my first husband tell him while I was at work. My Dad greeted me with “I thought you where better than your sister” I replied “Well I am at least we’ve told you in plenty of time to make the arrangements and not the day before the wedding that had been planned behind your back!” I know looking back it was a class line from me! The marriage went ahead and eventually I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy – he was my life – until 19 weeks later when I lost him to Cot Death! Don’t feel sorry for me I’ve had enough of that to last me a life time. You saying sorry is pointless as you weren’t responsible for my darling son passing away. Anyway that’s when things went bad. We turned to drink to cope and eventually I fell pregnant again and gave up the booze. I had a beautiful baby girl – Kelly – I couldn’t get close to her for fear of losing another. I regret that now! Then we had – Laura – another beautiful girl. I was by that time over my fear and bonded more with her. Then times took a turn for the worse, my husband started hitting out at me. Black eyes where a norm – I started to drink again as it blocked out the pain when he hit me.

Eventually I ran away. Yeah I’ve left a whole chunk of the story out but it doesn’t matter! I turned my life around and after quite a few failed relationships along the way (non of which I married) I met Pete. The turning stone I call him in my mind! I’ve never told him that but he can now read it and see. Daughters both flew the nest and settled down. Then today came the circle back to haunt!

Laura my youngest phoned and her relationship had hit rock bottom – he was threatening to throw her out (the house was in his name) and he even tried to push her down the stairs. The crunch came when she told me he’d put one of my twin grandsons in the buggy outside of the house. We called the police. Police attended and threw my daughter out with her 19 month old twin sons. Luckily a friend offered her a place to sleep. Laura will be coming to stay with us even though it makes us totally overcrowded – not sure where we are going to put the cots! I will not see them out of a home!

SO FULL CIRCLE IT HAS COME

hence the relevance to the title as I feel like shouting that out loud and clear. To all the knob heads out there you are all TITS WHOLE HAZEL TITS!

Risky Times

This title was given to me to write about by Jasper Bunny.

After some serious thought about what I’d actually include in this blog I came to the decision to start right back at the beginning – when Pete and I first got to know each other and continue from there.

Some may already know that we met via the internet – no not via a dating web site – more a work related site.  We both worked for the same top retailer and this site was set up for fellow workers to moan and groan and sometimes offer advice to others.  It was not set up by the company – and the company frowned upon it!  Which made it all the more interesting to me who always loved a good dig at the company whilst hiding under anonimity. Well they had a chat room facility that was used mainly by those who worked in the stores and me – being a warehouse person – was seen as something of an intruder. Now I’m sometimes a very obstinate person in the fact I will stick around until people realise I’m actually quite a nice person. Oh those store people didn’t like that one bit especially a certain person (Pete) of course I didn’t know his name then!  We continually slagged each other off  but it started to become more like banter as the weeks progressed (as you are aware we are still like that now) Well the ice was breaking and it finally broke when I had problems with my pc. Pete jokingly said “give me your phone number and I’ll ring and help you out!” I replied “Yeah right of course you’ll ring!” but gave him my number anyway, not for one minute did I expect that phone to start ringing but it did. I shit myself at that point!

To cut a long story shortish he managed to guide me through sorting my pc out and even joked about having me bent over the back of the couch (a story for another time I think!) we spent hours using skype to talk to each other – our record was 15hrs non stop apart from a half hour break while I spoke to a solicitor on my house phone with Pete still hanging on listening in via Skype (it’s funny now to think of the fact Skype is now redundant!) Time rolled by and we eventually arranged to meet up.  Pete had arranged with work to have a week off at the end of July, but he couldn’t wait that long so pulled a sicky and headed up to see me 7th July 2006 for the weekend!

I’d told people at work that I was meeting him at Crewe Station (that’d be the railway station not the bus station!) at 1:20pm. Yeah right – you all know how British Rail works – Pete missed a connection which set the time back an hour but hey I was fine lovely Subway (the food place) to sit in and NOM NOM!  The time eventually arrived and to be honest I was a nervous wreck! I’m stood on the platform clear as day until the train started to pull in at which point I shrank behind the Kenco coffee machine!  All of a sudden I hear this whistle and rather loud OY!  I popped my head out and there he was, this skinny, tallish person with the mother of all backpacks on! “I here” was all he could say for the first half an hour! Yeah I know – he was here – and later I learned so was his weekly washing! That’s when I knew he was the cheekiest person on the planet! I mean who arrives on a first date with an entire weekly wash!

Well as the story goes we got on fabulously and married exactly a year to the day and time we met where other than the place we met – well not the railway station just the town!

If people show interest in this then I may consider writing about our antics between the meeting and the wedding – DON’T BE DIRTY! I don’t mean what we got up to in the bedroom LOL

Mushrooms, Dogs and Builders

Yes I bet your reaction to the title was the same as my Husbands. “Mushrooms, Dogs and Builders? What the fuck?” Well I’ll tell you and he can read it too!

I’ve pondered for days on what to write about in my first ever blog that would get your attention. A flash of inspiration suddenly came to me and this is the result! I hope you can stick around to read it and that some parts, if not all, will make you smile.

The past three weeks have shown me that I have a low level threshold of being aggravated by all three. I never had a problem with my dogs until the builders arrived. For some reason Patch and Cleo (the dogs) have taken a dislike to any workmen that are a) near their house b) in their garden and c) walking along the scaffolding, although they don’t mind them coming in the house as they get more attention! This story actually started more than three weeks ago when a random company decided to erect scaffolding around the block of houses where I live. Three days they where working and had just about finished when they got told they hadn’t been given the contract and so had to remove it!  I’ve never known neighbours gossip so much as we all did.  We laughed till we cried, we moaned at the building firms Manager and told him he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery – that was funny because if you saw him you’d laugh too! He probably has to stand on tip toe to see over a bar to order a drink!

Eventually as the weeks passed by the builders got their act together, the scaffolding was erected by another company and work commenced! “What work?” I hear you asking, external insulation involving lots of drilling and huge yellow blocks of padding going up around the houses.  Now I say work commenced – although turning up at 10:30am and starting half hour later isn’t what I’d call fast progress.  Patch and Cleo being confined to inside made them unbearable. The grass outside was growing along with mushrooms that’s when things started to get me down! The dogs had to investigate the new things growing in the garden once they where allowed out. I could envisage two little dogs beginning to hallucinate. Now I wonder what would dogs hallucinate about?  Maybe they thought they where hallucinating when they spotted the builders walking in the air! (not literally – they where on the scaffolding) Now Patch didn’t like that and would bark at them but only when they walked across our property (selective dog he is! He’d already nearly bitten one of them for daring to reach over to open the back gate)

Today I decided the mushrooms had to go! Out came the lawnmower and the mushrooms where no longer. No more fear of dogs hallucinating so now they know the builders are real!  The funniest thing about today which made everyone laugh apart from one building manager was when I shouted “Stop jumping up you’ll end up hurting yourself!” to which he replied “I have to so I can reach”  – WHAT WAS FUNNY? I was shouting at Cleo!

I’ve rambled on longer than intended and you all need a break so this is me saying bye for now!